Sorry, I Suck Today

This blog feels like work today. And I hate it. Right now, my brother and his record label mates are making a beautiful song in the next room, and all I want to do is immerse myself in that process with them. But if I don’t do what I said from the beginning I was going to do with this space, then I’m going to feel as though I’ve failed the day. And I wont allow myself to do that.

I said I was going to write every Monday, and if I just decide to take a day off, then what’s stopping me from taking next Monday off, or the Monday after that. I can’t do that. I wont.

Maybe this is me putting unnecessary pressure on myself. But whatever. Someone needs to put pressure on me creatively, and no one else is going to do it. It’s just another thing that makes this project mine.

I’m so fixated on the idea of being great at everything I do, I find myself being uncomfortable with the idea of just being fine on any given day. But I realize that’s a dangerous precedent to set for myself.

My brother has been a terrific sounding board for me, and he told me something not long ago that I need to take to heart. He even put it into a sports context, because he knew it would resonate with me more that way. Essentially what he said was, “You don’t need to go out and hit a home run every time you step up to the plate. Sometimes you just need to hit a single.”

And he’s right. So I guess that’s what I’ll view this post as. Just a little baseknock. Honestly, it kind of feels more like reaching base by getting hit by a pitch. But maybe this way, the next time I do hit one out of the park, there will be some runners on base. Is this sports analogy getting too convoluted? Yeah, it could be. But it’s actually working for me, so I’m gonna just roll with it.

My brain just feels locked up today. But I’m finding that it’s helping to work my way through it by doing what I love to do – writing about it. So I guess I’m not as lost as I think I am.

I just couldn’t stare at a blank screen anymore. It was giving me anxiety like you wouldn’t believe. So now I’ve got words here. They may not be the most inspiring words I’ll ever write, but part of what this blog was designed to be was an invitation for the reader to get into my headspace.

So this is what’s going on in my head today: I’m really fucking aggravated that I haven’t met my own standards of quality lately. I’m not going to let it be an indictment of my ability, but it sucks to feel like you’re not doing the best you can do. And frankly, I need to do better next week.

I already have a deeply meaningful post planned for later this month, because it will coincide with another one of those anniversaries of a significant life event. But until then, my goal is to approach next week’s post with a concrete idea and to execute that idea to the best of my ability. I know I have things to say. But all of my ideas for this week’s post either felt half-baked or just dumb.

It pisses me off to say this, but this is the best I can do today. I just need to feel like I’ve met my obligation to myself to write SOMETHING. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go wrtie a song or a poem now so I can feel a little bit more accomplished. See you next week. Sorry, I suck today.

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